Of all the threats facing our nation today, you probably weren’t aware of this one: submarines. No, we’re not talking Soviet nuclear subs or German U-boats. These are privately owned and used for transporting drugs.

Not to worry, though, your Congress is on the case, with no less than four – count ‘em four! – bills to get at the submarine scourge.

For example, H.R. 6295 would prohibit “operation by any means or embarking in any submersible or semi-submersible vessel that is without nationality and that is navigating or has navigated into, through or from waters beyond the outer limit of the territorial sea of a single country or a lateral limit of that country’s territorial sea with an adjacent country.”

Thanks goodness! I feel safer already.

S. 3198 does something similar, specifically citing the threat of drug trafficking using submarines.

S. 3351, the Drug Trafficking Interdiction Assistance Act of 2008: same thing using more words – and (more words? yep!) it was introduced by vice presidential candidate Senator Joseph Biden (D-DE).

Rounding out the field is S. 3526, which creates a federal felony for operating or embarking on an international voyage in a submersible or semi-submersible vessel without nationality.

Where do we place the blame for the submarine scourge? Perhaps narco-traffickers, who prey on our children and deserve all the firepower we can lay down in their direction. Perhaps it’s the counter-productive drug war, which we can only win by abandoning. For my part, I blame the Beatles, who came up with the idea of a drug-laden submarine in the first place.